woah it’s already been 15 days?
A few days ago I was beginning to feel like I fixed my problem. I was starting to not really even crave alcohol that much. When I say that much it means that alcohol hadn’t popped into my head as much as it had been before. I wasnt missing it, I didn’t want to have it. It’s true that quitting drinking does feel like a break up. You relearn how to do things without the company of alcohol. It’s no longer there for you to spend your nights and weekends with but it didn’t make me sad its been way more like one of those break ups you knew was coming. You wanted to do it for a while, you knew it was toxic but you couldn’t imagine life with out it. During the first few days that’s all I could think about because everything I saw made me think about it. I’m surprised I didn’t make a Spotify playlist to get me through this break up.. it’s never too late 🙂 Just a few days ago I thought I was good to go! I didn’t even crave a drink anymore, in less than two weeks I mastered doing things sober. Then this weekend came and I realized how close I was to picking up a drink again.
I’m beginning to figure out what my triggers are, things I need to be really aware of if I want to stay sober. One is definitely the desire for a drink after a long day at work. Any suggestions? I need to get back to the gym, I know it always makes me feel better after I go because it’s a good outlet for stress but at the same time I’m usually so exhausted by the time I take the subway home and carry all my work things up three flights of stairs. Another trigger is the fear of making others uncomfortable by not drinking. I think this is because it used to make me feel uncomfortable. If I was going to dinner with a friend or pretty much doing any social activity and whoever I was with didn’t want to drink I was annoyed that I was drinking alone or felt like I shouldn’t get a drink. Again not everyone else thinks like an alcoholic.
A friend asked me to get a drink and to meet her new boyfriend after I got home from work on friday. Sitting at home I wanted to say no at first because I honestly didn’t want to be out at a bar. I did want to stay home, I didn’t have to explain to any of my recorded shows that I wasnt drinking. They offered to come to meet me at the bar downstairs in my building. The same bar I sat 16 days ago hiccuping sipping my last drink alone. They were already on their way before I could say no. As I locked my apt door behind me and headed down the stairs I thought about all the different ways I could get around having a drink with them but honestly I was also thinking about what my first drink after my two week break would me. God did I want a drink. A cold beer sounded so good, or a really nice cocktail with fresh ingredients. Her boyfriend immediately offered to get us drinks. I began to mumble out of mix of excuses “Oh actually I think i’ll just have a water, I’m so thirsty, I had a long day so a club soda actually sounds really good, I’m not sure if I want a drink yet” and they both just kinda looked at me. “Wait hold up you’re NOT having a DRINK? Laaaaame.” it almost seemed like her boyfriend yelled it through the whole bar. This was within the first few sentences of meeting him. I guess we both didn’t make a great first impression on each other. You think I’m lame for not drinking? I’m actually a lot of fun, sorry you can’t see past that. Thanks for reassuring me that people will think I’m lame if I turn down a drink. As we chatted over the next hour or I found out he owns a liquor store, his second drink was a vodka red bull (“well someone has to drive us home”). I also watched him snatched his drink back from the server when he tried to clear the glass that was pretty much empty so yes he probably didn’t understand my desire to not drink. I was proud of myself for getting the hell out of there and up to my bed. I can’t believe I almost gave in, and barely leaving my living room, i’m not safe anywhere haha.
I need to remember in these situations that I always never regret not drinking when I wake up the next morning. I’m always grateful waking up sober, remembering everything I did and said the night before. I had a shoot in Brooklyn on saturday morning with a model i’ve been following for a while. These are my new york moments that make me feel so grateful to not only have a job I love but one that connects me with creative, motivating and inspiring people. I never feel the desire for alcohol while at work. I focus on work while i’m there, that fulfills me and I’m not sitting around thinking about things the way I do when i’m off work. I went to the brooklyn smorgasbord after the shoot with a friend and was enjoying that I wasnt doing my usual daytime weekend activity of sitting in a bar drinking on a beautiful day. Its only been two weeks but i’ve gone out and done so much since I’m not home hiding in my apt recovering from a hangover. I was there with my good friend who has now mentioned a couple of times she’s really appreciating how much less she’s drinking lately too. I’m happy she still feels comfortable drinking and wants to hang even if I’m not. One of our drinking buddies was trying to convince us to leave Brooklyn and come back to the city to join her and friend she had in town with a “Were with two guys who work in liquor events, they aren’t cute but we are getting free drinks” text. All I read was “we are hanging with two guys we would normally never talk to if we were sober but they are somehow connected to liquor which means we will use them for as many free drinks as possible and then bounce”. gross.
We ended up stopping by, I keep wanting to prove to myself that the friends I have aren’t just drinking buddies and that I CAN hang out without drinking. I’m still the old me except I don’t turn into an emotional tornado at the end of the night. Sure enough both guys were kinda creepy and sizing us up the second we got in, I’m sure they were using the girls as much as the girls were using them. It felt depressing being in a dark sports bar on a beautiful saturday. Everyone but Nicole gave me shit for not drinking when I ordered a club soda at 4pm. I could care less what these guys thought but quietly explained to Danielle that I hadn’t had a drink in two weeks. She just stared at me in shock. I immediately saw her disappointment that I wasn’t joining in on her binge weekend. I don’t blame her, I was that go to friend for day drinking. Anytime any place I was usually down. I’m sure that’s why she texted me in the first place. As they made plans to head to a rooftop bar Nicole and I promised we’d meet up later for a night out to show Danielle’s friend a fun night out in nyc. Nicole and I made dinner at my place, she picked up a few more beers as she had a few free ones at the bar and I had a pomplemouse Pellegrino cocktail. I actually makes me feel more comfortable if my friends do have a drink. In the past this is one of the reasons i’ve relapsed. Ive been in a situation where someone felt they couldn’t drink if I wasnt drinking therefore i’d “just have one” so I wouldn’t be a buzz kill. 9 pm rolled around and what happened to our night out was what I expected, after day drinking all the girls were ready to pass out. I felt relieved I didn’t drink. One of the worst mental hangovers is waking up in the middle of the night realizing you wasted a whole day drinking. Waking up dehydrated and confused as to how you started off with drink or two at brunch and then just kept going until you woke up fully clothed wondering what happened to your saturday night plans.
Nicole and John asked if I wanted to join in on brunch this morning but after the attempt to go to bars without drinking like I had all weekend I said no thanks. I headed back to brooklyn this morning to pick up my kit and stopped by brooklyn flea. I saw a few girls shopping around with their headphones in too. I wanted to walk up to and say “so you don’t spend your free time on weekends day drinking, you like exploring flea markets too? want to hang out sometime because all my friends are having boozy brunches right now and I’m starting to feel all my friends want to do is drink”. I treated myself to a beautiful necklace and ring. I’m so happy I didn’t give in to feeling awkward not drinking this weekend even though I felt like it was really hard. Its starting to feel like i’m back at day 3 right now and need to stay away from any bar at the moment.